“…our greatest gifts often come from our wounds”-
Companioning vs. Treating: Beyond The Medical Model of Bereavement Caregiving
By Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D

How the direction of this blog has changed since it’s conception.

The above quote came out of an article that was given to me about the act or the art, as the author puts it, of walking alongside one who is going through the pain of grief. When you are present with another’s pain, you are in the moment and acknowledging what it is with no judgement, no shame, and letting something be. I’m referring to the practice of bereavement.

So what’s a former pastry chef doing talking so deeply about such a heavy topic as grief and bereavement, you may wonder. Well, things have changed. I’d like to think for the better. A few months ago, I decided that I wanted to do some volunteering. There’s lots of places that need volunteers. Lot’s of rewarding things to focus on. I chose Hospice.

I’m now a full-fledged direct-service volunteer. It’s not easy to become a direct-service volunteer. In order to be one, I had to go through an interview, a criminal background check, reference checks and I had to complete 40 hours of in-house training.

The training was intense, at times very hard, and did a good job of pushing me out of my comfort zone. It was also incredibly interesting, very rewarding and has opened up a new path to follow. You just never know where it will lead.

For those that don’t know what Hospice is, there are two parts to it.

The first is a mindset, a way to manage end of life, the second part is a physical place to spend the remainder of your life until you die. People who choose Hospice have been diagnosed with a terminal disease and wish to not “burden” their loved ones by having to physically care for them. It is not assisted suicide nor is Hospice a dumping ground for the poor or the unloved with nowhere else to go.

It’s a place that respectfully recognizes all walks of life from all backgrounds regardless of life experiences, religions or philosophies. There are even Hospices set up in prisons.

I’ve been asked why hospice? I’m still not 100% sure of the answer, and what I do know is kind of complicated. At first I wasn’t even sure if I could do it. Like most people, my judgement with it was “Death, how depressing” Despite that, I felt drawn to it.

Hospice is more then just coming face to face with yours and your loved ones mortality. Not everyone can do this. You are dealing with situations that are considered taboo by most. There’s a lot of people out there who think death is a secret, never to be discussed.

Because of my training, I’ve certainly learned more about why I’m doing it.

The first thing you learn as you walk into Hospice (both in mindset and physical space), your ego gets checked at the door.

You have no idea how refreshing that is.

It’s never about you. As a result, you are in an environment that’s caring and supportive, and ironically enough, very peaceful. It’s not a depressing place nor are there weird smells. You are encouraged and rewarded for practicing compassion and empathy. These are not considered a weakness but a strength.

The second thing I learned; there are many types of grief and it’s not always associated with the loss of a loved one, although death is where most people recognize that they are grieving.

Grief can be felt because of a divorce, a loss of a friendship, a job loss, anytime there’s been a huge life altering event that has created shock, anger and sadness. When someone is faced with a devastating situation, most times the grieving begins at that moment for that individual. A loss is a loss regardless of what caused it.

There is a misconception that grief is a series of staggered stages and one goes through these stages in a timely manner. Not so. Grief is a personal thing, different for everyone.

Nor does grief happen in organized steps, but more like a crazy two year old’s doodle. You will be all over the place. It’s also possible to be in two stages at the same time. For example:
“I acknowledge that this person is gone, but I will still wash their clothes” Acceptance and denial.

The third thing I learned is how to be in the moment. Being mindful with the person you are sharing that space with.

You are not there to solve, or give advice. You are not there to cure the disease or have the answers. You are not there to tell someone what they should or should not be doing. You are there to help witness a point in someones life who is coming face to face with the reality of their situation, whether that they are dying sooner rather then later or otherwise.

Someone can also be reeling from the fact that a new normal is beginning and what normal they had is now gone. You are sharing a very personal moment with them, which I personally feel privileged and humbled by.

The fourth thing I have learned is a new way to gain perspective. Believe me, your problems become no big deal once you spend time with someone who’s dying.

With a new perspective, it’s easier to understand why people act the way they do. For example, if someone takes their anger out on you, and you know that you did not deliberately cause it, they are acting out negative feelings or expectations that they have about themselves. If they accuse you unfairly, it’s because they have disappointed themselves. Again, it’s not about you.

Since my involvement with Hospice, I have become more aware. I tend to listen more then talk. I tend to dissect a conversation before answering. When people are upset about something, it comes out more about how they are feeling instead of the actual situation, which is really the point anyway.

I have also discovered a huge inner calm in me that I didn’t even know I had. Maybe it’s because I’m really happy being in this space. Maybe it’s because I like this new path I’m on and the more I learn, the more fascinated I become.

My direct responsibility will be working with bereavement clients. Anyone who has experienced a loss can access the services of a Hospice regardless of the situation. I will also do bedside vigils. I have lost people in my life. I have grieved. It’s easy for me to put myself in another person’s shoes, because I’ve been there.

I have titled this post A Step of a Thousand Miles because being involved with Hospice has kick-started a new life for me. It was there when I needed it most. It’s answered some questions I didn’t even know I had. I was searching for something. I have moved into a direction that I need to follow. Happily.

Being open to new possibilities and exploring how they will lead to growth is worth investigating. I am also learning what it takes to be human. That we all are part of a immense play being acted out. Life is short. All those things that we put off for whatever reason, there is no better time to begin them then right now. After all, we live until we die.