Yeah that’s right, I said it…

Even though I hold desserts in high regard, even I have to admit that there are some real stinkers out there. Here is a take on some of the sweet stuff that I truly believe are overrated combined with my failed understanding why there’s many fans of these items.  In no particular order of grossness:

1) Deep fried cheesecake. What on earth is this all about? Basically you take a piece of cheesecake, wrap it in a tortilla, fling it into the fat fryer, slam it onto a plate, pour some over the top sweet sauce with the addition of cream from a can and serve it to eagerly anticipated customers. AND THEY LAP IT UP! It’s been described to me as “Heaven on a plate”,  “Pure utter bliss”,  “You don’t know what you are missing” I do know what I’m missing, and it’s pure yuck.

To be fair, I am one of the few who doesn’t like cheesecake. As a pastry chef (no I’m not a baker) I have to make a lot of cheesecake and I have made some interesting versions of the dessert (strawberry black pepper, blueberry white pepper, chocolate maple fudge, chocolate banana) I have to find interesting combinations in the effort to help take away my distaste of this particular dessert.

But deep fried cheesecake is just wrong. On so many levels. And it’s everywhere.  It’s so popular that almost every dessert menu I see, has a version of it and it ends up being the biggest seller. Who was the genius who came up with this?  I mean, is this the best they could do?  Really? I don’t get it. I don’t like it.

2) Next on my list of distaste is the the always present marshmallow peanut butter square at every craft sale, church sale, bake sale, Christmas potluck, and family reunion. You know the one with the mini coloured marshmallows? People stop that! Nobody likes it! It tastes bad, looks like some chemical freakish meltdown, and it gives the appearance that who ever made it, was too cheap both in effort and cost to give a crap. In case you still need more convincing that it’s just no good, then I ask you, why is it the one dessert that is always leftover?

3) The next dessert that I am sooo over is the chocolate fountain. I’m going to tell you why every culinary professional grimaces behind the customer’s back whenever they suggest a festering bacteria pool such as the chocolate fountain at their event.

To begin with, in order to have the fountain do what it is suppose to do (present a nice continuous curtain of chocolate) the fountain has to sit on a flat, level surface and the chocolate has to be thinned out. One can buy prepackaged, already thinned out chocolate. In the pastry shop, we have access to chocolate that has either been thinned out with cocoa butter (reserved for the client who spends top dollar for the fountain extravaganza) or one can add liquid oil to cheap chocolate (what can I say? If your not prepared to go over $3.95 per guest, don’t expect to get the good stuff. You get what you pay for)

Once the fountain is on display and people are filling their gullet with chocolate coated fruit, they are unaware that in most cases, the people that went before them have in fact double dipped.  So for the next person in line, they are going to be treated to a delightful buffet of someone else’s saliva. Hmm yummy.

The final thing I have to say about this mess, is well…the mess the fountain makes when in use. I’m talking about the hardened pools of sludge like substance that remains allover, and I mean all over the fruit, the table, the floor, the walls and I have even seen where the chocolate somehow has made it across a room to be found ground into the carpet, over the chairs and into pieces of art on the walls.

There are other desserts I don’t like, but the above are the three biggies. However I do want to make an honourable mention to some ingredients that I think are just plain nasty.

1) Raisins. I hate them. Don’t get confused though and think I hate grapes or wine for that matter. Lets clarify and say that all though raisins and wine come from grapes, wine does not come from raisins.  (I seem to have to defend why I will drink wine) ‘Nuff said.

2) Tapioca. The texture is just plain gross.

3) Canned apple pie filling. Are fresh apples that hard to come by or that expensive that one has to resort to this?

4) Imitation banana or maple syrup flavour. They’re too strong, and too sweet. And when in use, over used.

Join me on my next post: “Anna’s Indulgence Dessert Bar: An Ode to a Journey Pt 1.” Now put down that deep fried cheesecake and go for a walk!